Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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