Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
