Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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