The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
