i think my tv is drunk
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
