I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
