I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Randomize
