Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize