Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
