she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
