Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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