You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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