Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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