Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
