you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
