Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
