Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
