he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
