Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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