just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
