There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
