you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize