I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
