The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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