i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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