We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
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