All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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