I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
