She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Do you remember whose house we're in?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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