dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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