um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
