Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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