I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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