he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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