I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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