im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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