Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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