Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Randomize
