I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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