I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
