Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
