dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
