well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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