I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
