I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
