I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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