New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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