i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
