i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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