Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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