The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
