TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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