a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
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