you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
