i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize