I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
