I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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