I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
