Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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